trust

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It’s something that is so difficult for me to develop. It takes time, experience, mistakes to be taken, second chances, third chances, a lifetime of chances to be given. It also takes prayer and lots and lots of love.

My trust has been tested many many times. Over and over again. Nonstop. To this day. I still have problems with trust. So with the slightest lack of affirmation, denial of wrong doings, or hidden truths, I will be set back. I will lose trust in another person. It will take time to get it back. For you to be trustworthy again, it will take effort on your part.

Often we look for a simple explanation, apology or just to be heard and understood. If these are not met then how can you trust that person again?

It all comes down to this – love. Genuine love. Genuine feelings of unconditional love for another. If you truly love one another it will be easy to provide an apology, allow them to be heard, affirm their value to you, be open and honest of all things. Empathize. Forgive. Treat them as you want to be treated.

In my life, I’ve seen and realized the most difficult of all, apologize. Apologize if you have hurt their feelings. Recognize your mistake and apologize. You may think you did nothing wrong, but in their eyes, you did, and it hurt, and they may feel betrayed and may no longer trust you. But sometimes a simple recognition of what you did and apologizing for it shows how much they are of value to you. Putting your own ego aside. From there, trust can rebuild and bonds become stronger.

But if we don’t humble ourselves, admit to wrongdoing, acknowledge that we in fact can hurt someone else’s feelings, because we are not perfect, it has the potential of destroying the relationship. Genuine love, unconditionally loving one another will restore these broken ties but it takes work and effort if we don’t take the first step with empathy and humbleness.

On the other end of the equation is forgiveness. We are all so prideful that we may never apologize because in our eyes we can never do wrong. It’s so important to be humble, acknowledge our mistakes and grow from them to become a better human being. With apology and forgiveness there is room for more love. Forgiving one another and also, forgiving yourself.

If I cannot forgive myself for my own human mistakes, then it would be difficult to forgive or accept another person’s. We, as women, tend to be so hard on ourselves. We expect more from ourselves, forgetting that we can only do or take so much. We have limits. This is ok.. to have limits. To say no. To walk away. To put ourselves first. To be forgiving. And realize that other’s need this too.

With forgiveness and unconditional love of self and others, trusting would be much easier no? Actually, no. There are so many other factors and elements that influence our ability to trust. Like past experiences, childhood, betrayals, relationships, blahblahblah this can go on and on and on…

But if we keep faith, have love, light heart and laughter, maybe it will be easier. Maybe.

Love In The Time Of Quarantine

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Being married during this time is interesting. Well, I haven’t ever been married before, let alone during a quarantine. So my perspective is fresh and a bunch of firsts for me. Nor have I ever lived through a pandemic where we were forced to isolate ourselves at home. We are stuck at home. We are forced to stay inside. We are forced to face our family members, spouses, children, loved ones, roommates, 24-7. The only escape is work (if you’re an essential worker) or a short stint to the corner store (if it’s open) or better yet, walking your dog. Irritation levels are at its max.

I dedicate this post to my husband, mainly because he is the most patient, caring, calm, loving human being in my life and who has the biggest frikin ego I know. The one person that has vowed to love me, support me, care for me till our dying days. Damn that’s a long time! Lol!

These past few months have not been easy. Throw us into a pandemic when we have to stay in a small house regardless of bad days, moody days, overwhelming days, covid days. We don’t always want to address the issues. And at times we don’t. But we try to get to a better place every time. Even though we don’t know what we’re doing.

I have learned a lot about us. I’ve learned about what it takes to be married to each other. I have definitely had to re-learn things I’ve forgotten about him, as well as myself, and then us as a couple. I’m still learning when and how to shut my mouth and listen. To trust the process. To work on progression. To be the best person I possibly could be as a wife and stepmother. I’m still a work in progress. This is going to take more than quarantine to get to where I want to be.

Admitting when we are hurt, upset, wrong, to each other is something we have to work on. This quarantine is forcing us to face it head on. I am no where near perfect. I’m still working on my faults. And maybe it’s the universe’s way of saying, “stay inside and take care of your shit! Get through it together!”.

I know that sometimes words do not say it all. Half of it is actions that speak volumes. I hope that I can continue to show him how much he is appreciated and grateful for what he has taught me and given me this far. For being patient with me and simply loving me.

Every argument, discussion, date, meal, time we share together is a growing period for me and as well as us, as husband and wife.

“Who is that lucky woman in the scrubs married to that handsome, sweet guy?”

That’s me.

How do you show your spouse/partner they are appreciated? What do you do to get through the rough times during the pandemic to minimize irritation? How are you all keeping sane right now?

What if it’s love?

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What if it’s not love?

Then what…

What if you’re 9 years married and realize, it wasn’t love this whole time? What if it was just 9 years of feeling different feelings never felt before, nostalgia, infatuation, comfort, time fillers, built into a wall of resentment that no longer allows the light of love but becomes a place of greys, shadows and two toned rainbows?

What if 15 years into the marriage you realize, love is not unconditional? That it’s based on pure conditions. You realize that what you thought what you had with him or her is not what it is today and all of a sudden, 7 years later, a light bulb turns on, you see the light, a sliver of bright light comes through a little crack in the wall and tears it down exposing truth.

What if you get married and realize 3 years into the marriage it’s work? It’s too much work. That the effort of working on the marriage isn’t worth it. That he or she is not worth the effort. That you don’t have the energy. That you no longer feel love for one another.

You feel exhausted. Pure exhaustion.

They don’t see the truth. They refuse to see the light. They refuse to let go. They refuse to admit there is anything wrong. They refuse to see what they’ve become. They refuse to let go of their egos. They refuse to admit wrong. They are always right. That you’re over reacting or your response is lacking. She goes unnoticed. He is no longer noticing.

When do you let go though?

When do you not let go?

When do you stay and fight?

When do you give in and declare defeat?

What if it’s not love anymore? What if it never was?

What if, whatever it is, it’s just not enough?

Apologize. Forgive. Put effort into it if they are worth it to you. If it is love then show them. If you know she is what love is to you, that he is your heart, that she is the heart of your heart, he is your rock, she is your partner in crime. Then you fight, you don’t let go, you work hard, you stay together for better or worse. When your hard work isn’t enough, work harder. You love and apologize and forgive.

But if you know in your heart it is not love. It no longer is or never was. Don’t waste anyone’s time anymore. Be honest. Apologize. Forgive. Love and move on.

What is or was your experience(s) with marriage? What have you learned? What do you want us to know? Why did you get married? Any regrets?

The Non-Date

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“We should date”

“No, you’re not my type”

“Why?”

“You want the honest truth?”

“Yes”

“Are you ready to hear the honest truth? Don’t be mad.”

“Yes, I’m ready”

“Okay, well, you’re not my type. You’re too young. You have kids with different women. You don’t make enough money. You don’t have a career. You won’t meet my needs and I have high expectations.”

“Wow tell me how you really feel!”

“Well, you wanted to hear the honest truth. So, it ain’t gonna happen.”

“Well, I’d be happy just to be your friend.”

“Okay.”

“What are you doing on Monday? We should watch a movie.”

“Ummm, not if it’s date.”

“No, just to go out and do something”

“Ok we can do that.”

Someone once told me that I should write this all down. In this story you’ll find out how I met my husband and why I ended up marrying someone who was totally not “my type”. At 43 years old I thought 8 years apart was way too young for me. But we all know it’s life experience that helps build a person’s character, maturity and knowledge. The tragedies, the ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, our family life, children, work, that shape our minds and relationships and what ultimately brought us to find each other.

Robert and I have worked with each other for about a year before we actually started talking. He was a nurses aid on my floor and I was one of the nurses that had the privilege of having him work with me. I found him to be super shy at first. But as the weeks went by he came out of his shell and we soon found what a good guy he was. He was a hard worker, pleasant, no drama, just there to work and do a good job. He was easy to get along with and eventually we all became friends and went out for drinks. Soon we would find ourselves going out for some sushi after a pm shift and continued to be friends, texting, talking, sushi.

We went on our “non-date” the Monday after Thanksgiving in 2015. I was assured that this was not a date and that we both had the day off, no plans, and well why not catch a movie? No harm in that? He already knew that “it ain’t gonna happen” and I only agreed to go with him as long as it was not a date. So there. We’re all good. So we decided he was going to pick me up and we would go to lunch and watch a movie. Thought nothing of it.

Until he arrived at my apartment and I went downstairs to hop into the passenger seat of his truck… where I found the biggest bouquet of the most beautiful flowers I’ve ever received. Ugh why did he have to do that??! That just immediately tugged at one of my heart strings.

I gave him this suspicious look and said thank you. We smiled and laughed at the fact that I was surprised but weirdly happy about it at the same time. That simple thoughtful act of whatever was a total game changer. He tugged at my heart strings and it got me intrigued. I brought him upstairs to put the bouquet in a vase and soon after we were on our way to have lunch somewhere. We thought it would be nice to walk around the mall and see if there was a restaurant that caught our eye. Initially, this helped to keep it casual. But after that display nothing seemed so casual anymore.

We ended up at this Irish pub. A new restaurant. Grand openning in fact. We ordered, we shared, we ate, and after our meal we soon found we were surrounded by the whole restaurant staff. I’m talking from the kitchen staff to the manager to the cleaning staff of the restaurant, were all standing around in a half circle facing us, all smiles, with a slice of cake and candle like it was someone’s birthday celebration, “We’d like to thank you for being our very first customers and celebrate this occasion with a complimentary dessert for the both of you!”. They stood there smiling, taking pictures of us, as a couple, with our celebration cake, as we looked at each other in disbelief, “What is happening?! This is a non-date! Why are they taking pictures of us??”. Nothing but pure comedy and an unforgettable moment of 2 people just casually having lunch at a new restaurant on their non-date.

We walked out of that restaurant hand-in-hand with genuine laughter, enjoying what we just experienced together. Wait what? Hand-in-hand? Get the eff outta hear!

Yup! Uh-huh! We were now holding hands. Who reached for who first though? I mean, that doesn’t really matter, it just happened right? Right. So it’s 2015 and Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2 just came out. We’re walking towards the movie theatre (hand-in-hand) and we both want to watch this movie so we buy tickets and at this point it didn’t matter who bought the tickets because it was still a non-date and bizarre events have taken place thus far. We pick upper middle seats for a good view, sit down, get comfortable and halfway through the movie I notice how warm he felt. He emits this heat, it’s like he’s a walking heater. It was cold in the theatre so, I naturally gravitate towards his naturally warm arms. We felt so comfortable together that we didn’t want the non-date to end. We hopped over to the next theatre to catch another movie, Crumpus. Not the movie we expected but it didn’t matter. We realized we liked being around each other…. More tugging of the heart strings.

The movie ended and as we walked out he noticed he got a few missed calls on his cellphone and one was from the hospital with a voice message stating his mother was admitted for a heart attack and is in the ICU. Wtf! We were anxious and shocked and he was a little scared so we dropped his truck off at my place and used my car so that I could take him to the hospital. I know, both confusing and kinda irrelevant. It was 45min away and I didn’t want him to drive in this state of mind. We get to the ICU and on this non-date I get to meet his mother for the first time. He introduced us and we began to ask the obvious questions. She talked about the series of events that led up to her surgery. She was ok, strong and she was healthy considering she just had a stent placed in her heart.

Soon his mom needed to use the bathroom but was under strict orders to stay in bed, flat… Here we go. On our non-date we both jump into full on nurse and assistant mode and get her on a bedpan. His mom insisted we call the nurse but we explained that this is what we do everyday so she agreed. Since it wasn’t appropriate for him to clean her up I had the honours, on our non-date-meeting-his-mom-for-the-first-time, to wipe her clean. Good thing she has no recollection of this at all!

It was 2am and I really wanted to brush my teeth. We went to the nursing station and asked for a toothbrush but only allowed us one toothbrush since it was only for the patient. We both wanted to brush our teeth, so how was this going to work? I brushed my teeth, rinsed it out and passed it to him and said, “Well after all that has happened to us today, if it ain’t official, it most definitely is now!” as he takes the toothbrush and brushes his teeth!

It was 3:30am and he drove us back to my place to get his car. We stood in front of each other, he took me in his arms, and we recalled all the bizarre moments that simply justified a sweet goodbye kiss.

When it feels right you just go with it and not fight it. I soon found myself looking past all the check-list items I wanted him to be and saw a sweet and gentle soul.

We eloped 10 months later. Best non-date in my life.

Have you ever been on a non-date? How did it end? Tragic events and trauma often bring people closer, what events brought you closer to others?

Boxer dog named Reine

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On May 13, 2007, Mother’s Day, I was at work and in a patient room when my coworker out in the hallway calls out to me, “Hey Jennifer? You have a phone call at the nursing station. It’s some dude”. I took the phone call and it was my brother, “Jenni are you with anyone? K, are you sitting down? K, sit down”. I knew, at that point, it wasn’t good. It was bad. Extremely bad. The worst. Ever. Dad passed away, at home, of what we believe was a massive heart attack.

If I recount that day, the most unforgettable moment was my flight home. I am most grateful for my roommate at the time, who booked a red-eye for me that same night. That flight was the most dreadful, uncomfortable, scariest flight ever for me. I felt alone. I didn’t want to sit in the middle of two strangers for 5 hours straight. I didn’t want to be on a plane. I wanted to feel nothing. The hurt was so much that what I needed to do was curl up in a ball in the corner of the plane until I landed in YYZ. But I was stuck, beside another girl who was balling her eyes out for her own reasons. I bit my tongue, held my breath, kept my eyes closed, did anything I could so that I didn’t shed a tear on the plane. The girl next to me was a mess. I, on the other hand, held my shit together. The last thing I needed was to cry uncontrollably to a stranger who was already crying uncontrollably. We were flying in the middle of a storm and the turbulence was the worst I felt. I thought to myself, “Okay, this is it. This is how it’s gonna end, on an airplane about to crash, on my way to bury my own father”.

Losing my dad made me realize something…that a love for your own dad is like no other. It’s unfortunate that it took death to make me realize this. But after he was gone I felt like I lost my long lost love. Is this weird? I mean, he was the very first man in my life so, make sense in a way. He was the first man that taught me how a woman should be loved and cared for. Dad was the first man that set an example for all the rest of the men that were to come into my life. Losing him was losing a part of my heart. But a wise person once told me, “Your father is inside you. He runs through your blood. He will always remain a part of you and has never left you.”

Me and my shadow circa 2014

It took a year for me to begin healing. A whole year went by and I wanted to commemorate my father. So I bought a puppy. Yes, a dog. Dad always wanted a dog but mom never liked dogs. Being by myself in California with no family close by, having a pet was perfect for me. It was also a way of doing something for my dad that he never got a chance to do.

We didn’t grow up with pets. So, I did my research and found the right breed for my lifestyle. Boxer dogs are known to be very energetic, requiring a lot of activity and exercise. This was a good fit because this dog would get me out and walking or running everyday, which is also what dad loved to do. Boxers also are very good with children, they are affectionate, and have a fun-loving character. They had short hair and didn’t require a lot of grooming. These were all good traits and exactly what Dad would have wanted too.

Reine was a converter. If you were afraid of dogs, didn’t like dogs, or never had a dog before for whatever reason, Reine was the one dog who would convert you into a dog-lover. When you walk into the room, she knew she would win you over just by sitting on your lap. And if you were too nervous or scared, Reine was relentless and did not give up on you. You never had any interest in dogs? It’s ok, by the end of your visit, she will have you giving her a walk. She loved everyone who walked into her home. And everyone who came to visit, fell in love with her by the time they had to say goodbye.

When Reine passed away in 2018, it was like losing my father all over again. My heart shattered. I felt like someone took my heart and torn it into pieces. Reine was my “person”, my comfort, my anti-depressant. She was my therapy dog even before I knew that therapy dogs were a thing!. I took her everywhere with me, including hula class. She took care of me and gave me unconditional love. Exactly what I needed to heal and get through dad’s death. I can never ever repay her for what she has given me, my family and my friends. Reine, you were my number 1. My sweet girl. You are irreplaceable and will always be remembered as the puppy who healed me. Your paw prints are forever engraved in my heart.

Reine 2008

Hula

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Hula became a part of my life at 13 years of age. Dancing on and off through high school and university but eventually dedicating most of my time in my late 20’s. As I got deeper and deeper into hula and Hawaiian culture, I became more passionate and inspired. So much so, that I decided to move to California to learn under the best of the best. 2004 was the year this journey started.

I can go on for pages and pages about hula, it’s history, it’s misconceptions, but what I really want to talk about is why it became a passion of mine. There is something about the art of expressing oneself through song and dance that cannot be captured in a video or picture or paragraph.

“Hula is the language of the heart, therefore the heartbeat of the Hawaiian people” – King David Kalakaua

Merrie Monarch, 2014

It truly is the language of the heart. Every word in every song touches your soul and causes you to feel it in your core, resonating out to your fingertips. Every strum and every beat creates motions in your feet, legs, arms and hands, telling the viewer a story of love, passion, destruction, creation, myth, legends. It’s poetry in motion. There are so many words I could use but not enough to describe what the dancer feels when they are connected to the mele (song). The mele brings you closer to the story and it’s history. The dancer brings the viewer on a journey through the mele. When you watch the hula and hear the song and hear the beat, you soon will find your own soul feeling what the dancer is expressing to you. It becomes a journey and an experience.

Sounds so passionate eh? Because it is. Hula is passion for many. So much that Hula is what brought me to the decision to relocate my life. In order to learn and achieve a higher level in this craft, I needed to learn from the best, from someone who was utterly inspiring. From someone that when you watch and hear his Hula, it makes you want more and to be a part of his creations.

So I found a job, found an apartment, found a roommate, packed my boxes and drove 3000 miles across the country in my little car with my friends. Took us 3 and half fun filled days. Created a book full of memories. It was unforgettable.

When I arrived at my first Hula class I was scared to the bones. I was nervous as hell. But I was so inspired and wanted to fulfill a dream so bad that I crushed those nerves. My soul was being fed and my mind nourished. Fear was drowning in my happiness.

What are you passionate about? What moves your soul? What makes you want more? What do you want to be better at? What scares you? What would you write in your book of memories?

When It All Started

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“KHH Wharf Master’s Inn Snowmass Knight’s Landing Mt. Diablo… If walls could talk, mountains speak, birds articulate, stars spell out words or ocean’s sing, you would hear a wild, passionate and tender love story created by two people filmed by Mother Nature herself.

The California coast is absolutely stunning, picturesque, a true gift from God. He had asked his girlfriend to join him on this little road trip up north. He was on a mission to find some acacia lumber in Eureka, California. It was still dark, foggy, rainy. The sun wasn’t out yet when they headed out of town. It was their first “trip” together as a couple. She was so excited and ecstatic that he requested her to come with. As they headed up the hills the fog began to lift, overcast but bright enough to see how magical the mountains are filled with redwoods, oak, pine, so lush and green. It was captivating, so enchanting that they had to stop and pull over to the side of the road to touch, feel and smell what their eyes were seeing.”

The air was fresh and brisk. The ground moist and crisp, unspoiled. Their elation was quickly soothed by the calming sound of the river across the street. Hand in hand they crossed over and the moment they reached the other side they were so overwhelmed with emotions they stopped, held each other, looked into each others eyes and sealed the moment with a kiss.”

This story is the beginning of what I think will become a beautiful relationship between two people who are undeniably, incredibly and faithfully in love.”

I look forward to the continuation of this story and seeing how it will grow and develop through experiencing life together.”

That was an excerpt from my very first wordpress account, written 10 years ago. I wanted to post it because it was real life, an experience I will never forget and have learned from. It is what inspired me to start this account. I read this blog and saw how passionate I was in this relationship and in life. These things you can’t just throw away. The past is in the past, but the past is what made me the person I am today.

Whatever it is, whenever it happened, whoever with, I look to be inspired. If you were or are a part of my life, you inspire me, in good ways or bad, I guarantee you will see it here, in my writing.

By the way, that relationship was not a faithful one and was based on pure infatuation and lust. I honestly thought it was love but I’ve grown and learned the hard way and for this, I have no regrets.

Do you believe that love is blind? Have you learned the hard way too? Have you any regrets? Do these regrets inspire you in any way? What inspires you?

Keeping It Real

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So…. Where… I … hahaha! I don’t know what to write here! But what I am certain about is my uncertainty! I wasn’t sure about starting a ‘blog’ because there’s something about putting words on paper or posting words online for the world to see that scares me. I’m not a writer. I’ve never taken any writing courses. I’m not a fiction storyteller or a poet. I don’t have a vast vocabulary with big smart sounding words or clever phrases that rhyme… But we all have a story, right? There is a certain level of therapy, for the writer and the reader, to form words that flow from ones heart.

Blue jade

We can all relate to each others lives and stories.  Happiness is one common goal that humans strive for.  However, each individual defines there own happiness or what makes them ultimately happy. So when listening to or reading someone’s biography or memoir, we may gain insight into our own lives and may, in fact, learn something, about ourselves. We may be inspired when hearing another person’s story.  If neither, then I hope that at least you can be entertained or even slightly nurtured by my straight forward, random, unrefined but, candid, frank, sincere words that I have attempted to form into sentences and hopefully turned into what may sound like a story.

The Journey Begins

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Mahalo for joining me on this new journey! Read, share, comment, learn, teach – we all need these to grow and that’s what I’m here to do. Maybe we can do it together.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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Kaua’i 2019